This rant has been brewing for a while. I’ll start reading someone’s blog post about their run or something, they’ll be talking about their heart rate or breathing or anything, and then BLAM they’ll say something like “and then I put it up to level 5!” And I’m left confused (what? What is level 5? Compared to what? Gah!) until I remember that some people like to run in one spot as a carpet rolls underneath them.
You people are crazy. Treadmills are my archenemies.
Okay so I know I’ve already claimed that deer, dogs, and slow-walking people are my archenemies, but no one ever said you can’t have a lot. Maybe I have too much hate inside of me? Who knows. Either way, I don’t like treadmills. Let me detail the reasons why:
1. Treadmills are inside (Summer)
This poses a number of issues for me. First, there are no trees or birds or even spots of grass or wildflowers inside. At least, not at my gym. How can I admire the flora and fauna when there isn’t any? Also, it’s warm inside. I like that when I’m not running around, sweating it up, and wanting to cool down. But when you run on a treadmill, you don’t get to cool off until you stop running. How can you keep going, knowing this?
2. Treadmills are inside (Winter)
Hey, screw you, people at the gym who get to run without three pairs of gloves, a scarf, and an emergency flare in case of collapse! I resent you! It’s cold out here but I hate treadmills and I can’t run on them and gosh you’re all jerks.
3. There’s nothing to look at.
At some point, looking at your treadmill’s dashboard has to get boring. How many times can you read the recommended heart rate chart before you want to take a blowtorch to it? Even if your machine faces a window, only so much will change outside. Even if there’s a lot of people to look at or something, it’s generally frowned upon to stare at people with your angry, running, grunt-scrunch messing up your face. It’s weird. You look weird.
4. Most of the time, there’s a treadmill beside you.
And the douche on it is ALWAYS better at running than you. No matter how good you are, there’s someone better out there, and they make sure to run next to you whenever you hit the gym. You’re sweating and gasping and trying not to seem like a pervert while you watch the kids outside play tag, and he’s there just skipping along like it ain’t no thing.
5. Flat runs… what does that even mean?
If you want to run on a flat surface forever and you don’t have a track nearby, you hit a treadmill. You can run a marathon at a constant elevation if you want to. And I resent you for this. I can’t seem to get my 5k personal best below 28 minutes because all these damn hills slow me down. I could run on a treadmill… but I don’t want to and YOU’RE ALSO A JERK.
For reasons #1, #3, and #4 above, running on a treadmill seems to take about eighteen thousand times longer than the same distance outside. For the rest of the reasons… I’m just jealous. But the warmth and the boredom and that annoying dude just outweigh anything good about treadmills. So I hate them.
What about you? Do you regularly run on treadmills? If so, have you submitted to any psychological testing? Because I really recommend it.