So I Hate Treadmills

4 Nov

I didn't even have to make this myself guys.

This rant has been brewing for a while. I’ll start reading someone’s blog post about their run or something, they’ll be talking about their heart rate or breathing or anything, and then BLAM they’ll say something like “and then I put it up to level 5!” And I’m left confused (what? What is level 5? Compared to what? Gah!) until I remember that some people like to run in one spot as a carpet rolls underneath them.

You people are crazy.  Treadmills are my archenemies.

Okay so I know I’ve already claimed that deer, dogs, and slow-walking people are my archenemies, but no one ever said you can’t have a lot. Maybe I have too much hate inside of me? Who knows. Either way, I don’t like treadmills. Let me detail the reasons why:

1. Treadmills are inside (Summer)

This poses a number of issues for me. First, there are no trees or birds or even spots of grass or wildflowers inside. At least, not at my gym. How can I admire the flora and fauna when there isn’t any? Also, it’s warm inside. I like that when I’m not running around, sweating it up, and wanting to cool down. But when you run on a treadmill, you don’t get to cool off until you stop running. How can you keep going, knowing this?

Wait, wait. Is this a thing? Can I do this?

2. Treadmills are inside (Winter)

Hey, screw you, people at the gym who get to run without three pairs of gloves, a scarf, and an emergency flare in case of collapse! I resent you! It’s cold out here but I hate treadmills and I can’t run on them and gosh you’re all jerks.

3. There’s nothing to look at.

At some point, looking at your treadmill’s dashboard has to get boring. How many times can you read the recommended heart rate chart before you want to take a blowtorch to it? Even if your machine faces a window, only so much will change outside. Even if there’s a lot of people to look at or something, it’s generally frowned upon to stare at people with your angry, running, grunt-scrunch messing up your face. It’s weird. You look weird.

Kids will run screaming from your face.

4. Most of the time, there’s a treadmill beside you.

And the douche on it is ALWAYS better at running than you. No matter how good you are, there’s someone better out there, and they make sure to run next to you whenever you hit the gym. You’re sweating and gasping and trying not to seem like a pervert while you watch the kids outside play tag, and he’s there just skipping along like it ain’t no thing.

The epitome of the running douche. And he'll be right beside you. Probably talking about his abs.

5. Flat runs… what does that even mean?

If you want to run on a flat surface forever and you don’t have a track nearby, you hit a treadmill. You can run a marathon at a constant elevation if you want to. And I resent you for this. I can’t seem to get my 5k personal best below 28 minutes because all these damn hills slow me down. I could run on a treadmill… but I don’t want to and YOU’RE ALSO A JERK.

For reasons #1, #3, and #4 above, running on a treadmill seems to take about eighteen thousand times longer than the same distance outside. For the rest of the reasons… I’m just jealous. But the warmth and the boredom and that annoying dude just outweigh anything good about treadmills. So I hate them.

What about you? Do you regularly run on treadmills? If so, have you submitted to any psychological testing? Because I really recommend it.

19 Responses to “So I Hate Treadmills”

  1. susan November 4, 2011 at 8:37 AM #

    OMG, I love your post. It’s hilarious and so true–esp about the runner next to you. I went out yesterday and becuase the weather sucked, my dog and I were the only ones out there and we were both happy.

  2. mentalnote8 November 4, 2011 at 9:42 AM #

    Dogs? Really?

    • thetortoiseruns November 4, 2011 at 10:37 AM #

      ONLY when they attack me. I should have specified. I am very much a dog person.

  3. snapshotsofhappiness November 4, 2011 at 11:46 AM #

    I hate the dreadmill as well! Your comment, “And the douche on it is ALWAYS better at running than you.” Made me laugh. Really hard, because I always think that. Esp. when I feel like I’m having a decent run, and then I look over… ARGH. Great post. =]

  4. Suzy November 4, 2011 at 12:39 PM #

    I hate the guy on the treadmill next to me who’s sweating like a monster and trying to hit on me at the same time. Likewise the teeny-bopper girl who spends 15 minutes on a slow walk while she texts. UGH!

    Also, I agree that Matthew McConaughey spends A LOT OF TIME thinking and talking about his abs.

    I treadmill when I think I might get heatstroke outside or when there’s ice (I’m a wimp!) 😉


  5. Hope November 4, 2011 at 7:25 PM #

    I’m in love with this post. I have, for a long time now, had a problem with the whole idea of treadmills. What the hell is the deal with people who will only run on treadmills? My cousin actually posted on FB “Should I run outside or inside today?”, and it was like…50 degrees and sunny. Seriously? Don’t we spend enough time detaching ourselves from reality? When I picture myself running in the same spot on some machine, watching people being real athletes on the TV attached to the wall, it just seems so bizarre!
    I am not a pet store mouse.

    • thetortoiseruns November 4, 2011 at 7:36 PM #

      EXACTLY! It feels so unnatural!

      Running outside all the way!

  6. Running For Today November 4, 2011 at 9:23 PM #

    Treadmills BLOW! LOVE the pics 🙂

  7. Steph D November 6, 2011 at 10:13 AM #

    I totally agree with you! Tredmills are by far my archenemy at the gym! I’ve been running since high school and never once did I consider running on a treadmill a real run. There’s no streets to cross, trails to explore, gardeners to whistle at you or water fountains to stop at!

    Love your blog by the way! Totally hilarious and true. Congrats on running so many KILOS!! And they do have Rock and Roll Half Marathon/ Full Marathon in Montreal Canada. I think it’s in Spetember next year. Here’s the link. Enjoy!!

  8. rickyeddie November 7, 2011 at 11:16 AM #

    “I am not a pet store mouse.”
    – I agree with Hope –

    No offence to pet store mouses intended!

  9. Ashley November 7, 2011 at 12:07 PM #

    Oh boy, I’m almost ashamed to admit that the treadmill and I are BFFs. To be fair, my treadmill is in my house and conveniently located in front of a TV. Running is my Vampire Diaries time. Watching the Salvatore brothers look all hot and brooding helps me pass the time just fine… 🙂

    • harbud1 November 8, 2011 at 1:15 PM #

      LOL Ashley! I dont have cable at home, the boyfriend and I kind of look forward to a run at the gym so we can watch tv without paying a cable bill….
      Sunday football running on a tread mill instead of on a bar stool drinking beer!
      I do agree though, come nice weather I’m outside! 😀

  10. Caitlin Constantine November 11, 2011 at 10:11 AM #

    All of this is so very, very true. And also hilarious!

    I once ran on a treadmill at a hotel, and the treadmill was positioned right in front of a big wall of mirrors. I was horrified at the way my thighs rolled in waves, like a flesh-toned water bed, as I ran. HORRIFIED.

    Also I can’t run fast on treadmills. I always feel like I’m going to roll my ankle and die.

    Basically, treadmills can die in a fire.

    • thetortoiseruns November 11, 2011 at 11:05 AM #

      MIRRORS! I never mentioned mirrors! A big part of why I hate treadmills! My issue is that I always feel like I’m racing along, then I’ll catch a glimpse in the mirror and see that I’m actually going slower than my grandma when she rushes to the phone. So disappointing.

  11. jobo November 16, 2011 at 12:50 PM #

    Ok…while I completely agree with all of your points… I am a self-admitted WUSS when it comes to running in the cold. My goal this winter is to learn to embrace the ‘dreadmill’ for what I can accomplish with it till I can run in beautiful weather that is WARM again. (love the one about the douche next to you on the treadmill…yes!!)

  12. JessSutera November 17, 2011 at 9:15 AM #

    OMG this post was a riot to read (hi btw, I’m new to your blog, “found” you after you commented on my sister’s blog – see above).

    I usually HATE the treadmill too – but then I discovered two things that work for me.
    1 – I’m lucky that I have a treadmill at home so I can throw on an hour-long show on-demand to keep me occupied
    2 – I’ve found intervals break it up for me if I just can’t face another steady-state run.
    3 – It saves me in the winter when it’s just too damn cold and gross to face it (esp during the week when I’m running solo)

    BUT all of your points are totally good ones – I love running for the fresh air, the scenery, the freedom. Being tethered to a machine kinda sucks in comparison.

    • thetortoiseruns November 17, 2011 at 9:46 AM #

      Oh lord I am so jealous of you! I think if I had a treadmill pointed directly at my tv and I could watch like a marathon of Say Yes to the Dress or something… I would like treadmills a whole lot more!

      • JessSutera November 17, 2011 at 9:52 AM #

        Seriously the best investment I ever made (that phrase reminds me of Van Wilder, ever seen that movie?). I’ve been watching TV shows I wouldn’t normally have time to watch or would even necessarily check out (like “Revenge” which is actually really good!) on my own. A good distraction fo sho!

  13. Mia November 20, 2011 at 6:52 PM #

    Carl I can’t deal with this blog, it’s too hilarious, stop being so ridiculously humorous please.

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