Top Ten Things No One Tells You About Running

19 Oct

I’ve had some friends read the blog (my prettiest, nicest friends) and I’ve actually had a couple say that they felt like taking up running after doing so. This I like. Like a lot. Because then I can make them run with me/they’ll listen to me talk about running and maybe be interested. But, I thought it fair to give due warning. Not all aspects of running are pretty. Some, I’ve discovered, are downright horrible. So guys, here’s my list of the top ten things no one tells you about running.

1.The foot issue.

Do you like your feet? Do you yearn for summer every year so you can show off your finely-shaped arches? Of course you don’t. Feet by nature are ugly. But at least it’s universal so you can wear those jelly sandals like a boss. You’d think nothing could make feet worse. Until you start running.

The first issues are the growths that will sprout. Calluses man. Jesus. All of my toes have hardened bumps of skin on each side. I have particularly large ones on the outer sides of my big toes. One started bleeding once then healed over so it’s just black. Then there’s the blisters, which usually can be avoided with due diligence but if you let just one cotton sock sneak in on a long run… prepare for glares from mothers on busses as you cause their children to burst into fear tears. Festering wounds and bumps that could probably grate cheese. This is in your future, you’re welcome for the image.

2.The buffness.

“Yes,” you think as you step out for your first run, “I can feel the burn. I’m going to be so ripped after this.” I won’t argue with this. You will build muscle in your legs and it’ll be awesome. The issue I have is being too buff in the booty now. Please know that I was known as Ghetto Booty in high school. Questionably racist, yes. Flattering… not so much. I naturally am larger on the bottom than on the top. So then I go out and decide to run and bulk up even more. Good choice Margaret. My legs look like Superman’s but my top half is more like Robin. Yes I just mixed two universes but you get the meaning. Disproportion. Be prepared

*Note, this can be avoided by strength training work on your top half. I’d do it if I actually cared about this issue.

3. Weight Loss.

Weight maintenance started off being my main reason for running and became secondary as I started setting my sights on distances. It’s an added bonus for me now. But don’t expect just to lose weight because you’re running. Yes, runners on the whole are generally thinner than the average populace. But you know why that is? Most runners watch what they eat as well. You can easily burn 1000cal on a run, but if you go home and choke down pancakes, eggs, and bacon, you’re going to quickly undo any benefits of that run. So if you’re looking to run to lose weight, make sure you’re watching your diet as well. In fact, watch the food first and add in exercise when you’ve got that down. You’ll be amazed by the results.

4. Running Gear.

Is freaking expensive. And so beautiful… you’ll want to buy it all. Those leggings that make you look so buff with all those panels and pockets for gels? $100 solid. And that doesn’t even include the gels. That Lululemon tech shirt that’s so breathable you could use it to silence a hostage without suffocating them? $75 easy. Have fun with your running gear envy.

5. Wanting to Wear Said Running Gear All the Damn Time.

You look soooo good in those $100 leggings. And you spent ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. You want to get your money’s worth, but society won’t let you. They expect you to wear real people clothes to the grocery store. Things like jeans and boots. So horrible.

"What? You said put on real people clothes! What do think this is?"

6. No One Cares About Your Running.

That’s fairly straightforward. Really, no one cares. All you’ll want to do is brag about how far you ran. And all people really want to hear is nothing. Save it up for a blog y’all.

7. It’s Addictive.

I’m not joking here. The first few weeks, or months, you’ll be forcing yourself out there. But once your body gets used to the effort, and for whatever reason you can’t run for a week or so (injury, giving birth, etc.) that body of yours will freak the hell out at you. Why aren’t you running, like now? You’ll be dying to get out and you’ll start cursing that plantar fasciitis/ newborn child.

8. Running in the Rain.

Holy mother of God, I have never felt more hardcore than how I feel when running in the rain. It’s pouring down upon you as cars splash by, and you are a god of running. You are king. The peasants (a.k.a. people driving past) will fall at your feet in envy and admiration. Combine this with runner’s high… no wonder it’s addictive.

"Bow to me puny humans."

9. Suddenly, You’re Invulnerable to Pain.

Remember what I just said about running being addicting? You’ll do anything to get your fix. That includes pretending that a major injury is nothing but an irritant. This can range from injuries from your running itself or anything else. This happened to me this summer. After two long runs on consecutive weekends, I experienced piercing pains in my abdomen. I finally made it to the hospital, where they cheerfully informed me that I had acute appendicitis and that my running had aggravated it. It was actually a good thing because I noticed it much earlier than I would have if I hadn’t run. But… it meant immediate surgery and two weeks of bedrest. Which I idiotically ignored. I took it easy for a week then got back on the treadmill. This extended my recovery I’m sure. But all I wanted was to get back on schedule. I had a run to do guys!

10. Finally, Slow Effing Walkers.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I get really frustrated by slow walkers. I used to just push past them. But now that I know I could just drop my stuff and bolt through their little molasses party, preferably flailing my limbs to inflict as much damage as possible, I get infuriated. But maybe that’s just me.

Hope this helps guys! Please enjoy another hilarious photo of an animal thinking it’s people:

This carefree attitude makes me hate pandas even more.

13 Responses to “Top Ten Things No One Tells You About Running”

  1. Hope October 19, 2011 at 5:36 PM #

    These are all true. Except I haven’t had the foot things….yet. But I’ve only been doing it a few months, so I guess I have that to look forward to.
    I am always so happy when I burn 1100 or 1200 cal on a run, and then I screw it all up by hitting the Cheez-its or whatever…I need to get a handle on the post-run eating!
    Anyway, that’s just my stuff, but I liked this post! It’s fun to read other people’s thoughts on running, and not just my own garbage about how far I went or what hill I made it over. Good job!

    • thetortoiseruns October 19, 2011 at 7:20 PM #

      God I used to be the same way! I’d be so hungry and I’d just justify my crazy eating with the running. Thankfully I’ve got it under control now! And for the feet… I hope you don’t love your toenails because you might lose a few… Hahaha good luck!

  2. Carolyn October 19, 2011 at 7:15 PM #

    Ha! I love this! Number 6 is spot on… Probably the reason there are so many running blogs out there.

  3. TestingTrueChange October 20, 2011 at 9:11 AM #

    Love this post, particularly the point about running being like addiction. I took a week off running due to what I thought may be an injury and am finally back at it. That whole week was terrible with anticipation…

  4. missmorganmelim October 20, 2011 at 12:20 PM #

    So funny! I wont lie, I LOVE to shop! It’s all I can do to tell myself, you can’t have running gear until your are an actual runner!

  5. Ashley October 20, 2011 at 12:35 PM #

    I love these! The one about the running gear hits particularly close to home because I have a slight shopping problem.

    #6 made me laugh because nobody in my “real” life runs so I get a lot of blank stares when I want to discuss things like what my ideal average pace should be.

  6. runningthriver October 20, 2011 at 7:19 PM #

    love this! should have had my BFF read it before i got her addicted. lol

  7. arethesekidsnormal October 25, 2011 at 8:35 AM #

    Oh my! Every single one of these is me (except maybe the last one about the walkers)!! Too funny.

  8. Running in Mommyland December 1, 2011 at 4:16 PM #

    Yes to every single thing on the list! Love your blog… you’re hilarious!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] rules I follow. Admittedly I’m not so good at the listening to my body part (read about my appendix issue if you feel up to it) but I’m trying. I remember one morning, the day after I’d experienced […]

  2. Basic Running Gear « thetortoiseruns - October 23, 2011

    […] increases rubbing and so does the heat and humidity. Rubbing equals blisters. Blisters equal pain (and unsightly flesh wounds that scar young children). If this sounds like something you want to avoid, buy a pair or two of tech socks from your local […]

  3. thetortoiseruns - November 4, 2011

    […] so I know I’ve already claimed that deer, dogs, and slow-walking people are my archenemies, but no one ever said you can’t have a lot. Maybe I have too much hate inside […]

  4. Tales of Toes « thetortoiseruns - January 8, 2012

    […] that or I’m just utterly insensitive to odd pains in my feet anymore. On second thought, this seems more likely. I’m sure I’ve just convinced a […]

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